Saturday, December 29, 2007 

Best Message Board Post of 2007

As regular NYCBP visitors know, I have been dismayed at the lack of activity this year on the message boards. There are only a few who regularly add comments and noteworthy message board posts. So it was not hard to locate the best message board posting of the year. It is by Eddie Goldman, who is a professional writer. For his troubles and devotion to NYCBP, Eddie has won a free night of drinking courtesy of NYCBP. (This offer is not valid at "21", and only at a bar on NYCBP). Thanks Eddie! And the rest of you, this is what you should aspire to.

Eddie's winning message board post:
Posted: Fri Oct 12, 2007 3:41 am
Post subject: There Ain’t No Bras At Yogi’s


As the Fates have decreed, or the Darwinian randomness of life has just let happen (I go with the latter), three times in the past seven days I have been drinking at Yogi’s. That is far above the average number of times I have been able to make it down there these days, but that is hardly a complaint, even though other obligations have sliced into my drinking time.

If I had to retire anywhere, it would be at Yogi’s, right by the jukebox and a few paces from its almost underwater men’s room. But as I’m still a workin’ man, I have to be selective in my trips there. And not mixing vodka, Jack, and whatever else they put in those shot glasses, with my beer has helped me stay a bit longer each visit.

Last Friday afternoon I had the pleasure of seeing Lisa Marie. She had on some little outfit with a separate collar and a tie, plus that luscious little plaid skirt she fills out so perfectly. She said she had been reading my piece on this site about Yogi’s being threatened by the Duane Reade monster. But as usual, she was dancing on the bar and wowing all the after-work boozers.

That Friday afternoon, the TV’s all had the Yankees-Indians game on. So when the Yankees played the Indians, who do the rednecks and cowboys root for? Just asking.

Tuesday night was another unplanned stop to see the longest-serving bartender at Yogi’s, the one and only Theresa. She had on a little tank top that read, “Tip or Die.” She is so adorable and professional that anyone who doesn’t tip her generously ought to be arrested for being a suspected terrorist.

Theresa also noted that there were few new posts on this site. I guess y’all are spending too much time on YouPorn and PornoTube.

Thursday night I also had another unplanned visit, and this time the bar was being womanned by the lovely veteran Betsy and the equally lovely newcomer Jen, a gift from the state of Michigan to New York. Apparently I got there a bit after the girls had been dancing on the bar, but after some old rock ’n’ roll tunes, a slew of country classics bellowed forth from the jukebox (except when it skipped).

There was a lot of Merle Haggard playing, showing the sophistication and aesthetic perspicacity of the rednecks drinking beer there that night. Betsy and Jen even let some of the slow ones play, including, largely due to my plea, “Are The Good Times Really Over (I Wish A Buck Was Still Silver).” Remember the line: “A Ford and a Chevy would last ten years like they should.” Could you imagine any commercial radio station playing that today?

Jen, now working there about two months or so, promised to send me a friend’s request on my MySpace page. She could be a real star in our universe.

Now about the bras, since this should be an area of expertise for all of us. I know my vision is bad, but has anyone else noticed that there are no more bras at Yogi’s? There used to be mounds of them hanging high on the walls. Now they are gone.

I was told that these bras had been taken down and disposed of because, over the years, they had become homes for countless roaches and other assorted critters. I wonder if that says anything about the hygiene of their previous owners.

Now the ladies who do get up and dance on the bar don’t want to take off their bras because, as some explained to the bartenders, they don’t want to leave behind these 40- and 50-dollar garments. What kind of woman wears expensive underwear to Yogi’s, drinks a lot of beer, and then hops on the bar when Gretchen Wilson tells us she’s a redneck woman and not a high-class broad? I don’t get it.

By the way, why are there never any forty-something divorced women at Yogi’s?

I still love it, though, and hope to see you there on my next unplanned, spontaneous stopover. And tip or die.

AddThis Social Bookmark Button

Thursday, December 27, 2007 

Book Chat on Video Games and Dirty Sex

This is the first NYCBP book chat via IM. Alexis recommended to me a book, and I read it. So now we are going to do a joint review, via IM. The book is The Average American Male by Chad Kultgen. It’s about a late twenties guy in Los Angeles, and how he lives his life of sex, video games, and relationships…

Lex (11:16:02 AM): u start
Kevin (11:16:09 AM): so what made you pick up this book?
Lex (11:17:17 AM): i was just browsing in urban outfitters for gifts and flipped through. i stayed in the store for a half hour reading... i could NOT put it down
Kevin (11:17:40 AM): What do you think it was that drew you to it? The content or the way he writes?
Kevin (11:18:14 AM): I was initially attracted to the writing style, but then it was the narrative that kept me going
Lex (11:18:27 AM): the content.... i left like i had secretly made my way into the male mind, and i wanted to know everything.
Kevin (11:18:35 AM): And your strong recommendation.
Lex (11:18:41 AM): so you have to answer the biggest question
Kevin (11:18:48 AM): what?
Lex (11:18:53 AM): how accurate is it? do you men really think like that?
Kevin (11:19:07 AM): i would say some of it, not all of it
Kevin (11:19:29 AM): I have to put myself back when I was 27, which was a hell of a long time ago
Kevin (11:19:57 AM): And even now, i can't think any guy can be so sex obsessed 24/7
Kevin (11:20:33 AM): It would be a pretty shallow lifestyle to have 2 things in your life, jacking off and video games
Kevin (11:21:12 AM): Maybe at 15, but not at 27, 37, or 41 years old
Kevin (11:21:27 AM): why am I doing all the talking here?
Kevin (11:21:37 AM): turn off Regis and Kelly
Lex (11:22:20 AM): i'm sorry, i write something and then u say something else so i erase it and write something else
Kevin (11:22:29 AM): LOL
Lex (11:22:36 AM): what i was typing now was
Kevin (11:23:02 AM): what did you like about it?
Lex (11:24:12 AM): so you think it is how you men think, just exaggerated
Lex (11:24:24 AM): what about the 98% rule?
Kevin (11:24:35 AM): Lot of exaggeration, or literary license
Kevin (11:24:39 AM): No way
Lex (11:24:49 AM): what do you think the real percentage is?
Kevin (11:25:03 AM): That is to say, 98 out of 100 women any man would fuck?
Kevin (11:25:10 AM): 50, if that
Kevin (11:25:22 AM): You ride the same subway system I do?
Lex (11:25:45 AM): well she would disappear right afterwards... that has to lower ur standards a bit
Kevin (11:25:54 AM): That was another one of his maxims, about how far he could push things
Kevin (11:26:33 AM): I know, but still, the imaginary and the reality.... I don't think I could do it. I think it would be a combo of the sight and the smell...
Kevin (11:26:47 AM): What about his obsession with anal sex?
Lex (11:27:01 AM): aren’t most men?
Kevin (11:27:06 AM): He talked about it a lot more than any other writer probably has
Kevin (11:27:22 AM): To the point of wanting it every day?
Lex (11:27:31 AM): did he want it everyday?
Kevin (11:27:33 AM): Doubtful
Kevin (11:27:43 AM): he wanted to get off every day
Kevin (11:28:03 AM): any sloppy way possible
Lex (11:28:11 AM): oh yes. multiple times. it would be exhausting dating him. i would be in the hospital
Kevin (11:28:23 AM): What did you think of the sex scenes? Accurate?
Lex (11:29:10 AM): eh....i guess so. most seemed more like fantasies than sex scenes.... like the random girl in the laundry room of that party
Lex (11:29:13 AM): yeah righttttt
Kevin (11:29:28 AM): Not really scenes. More like fantasies
Lex (11:30:03 AM): the whole book was like a letter out of penthouse forum. i was often embarrassed reading on the train.
Kevin (11:30:25 AM): lol
Lex (11:30:28 AM): i was worried everyone knew i was the nasty girl reading almost-porn
Kevin (11:30:34 AM): i read it 90 percent on the subway
Kevin (11:30:46 AM): i know people were looking at me
Kevin (11:30:58 AM): and there on the page was ass fucking and blowjobs
Kevin (11:31:09 AM): i just kept my head down
Lex (11:31:18 AM): yeah, i think i was beet red most of the time i was reading it. even alone
Lex (11:31:31 AM): what do you think the funniest part was?
Kevin (11:31:37 AM): well, some guy could have read over your shoulder, and then hit on you
Kevin (11:31:59 AM): funniest was the whole girfriend-mom scene
Lex (11:31:59 AM): no, he would know I know all his secret thoughts
Lex (11:32:04 AM): that was good
Lex (11:32:15 AM): i thought the funniest was the blousant in the food
Kevin (11:32:29 AM): yeah, like your fellow riders would think "this girl must love dirty sex" to read that
Kevin (11:32:41 AM): never heard of that stuff, is it real?
Lex (11:32:48 AM): yes i've seen the ad in magazines
Kevin (11:32:51 AM): ok, talk about the characters. since our readers have not read the book yet. What about Casey, the GF of the narrator?
Lex (11:33:08 AM): poor girl
Kevin (11:33:24 AM): I thought she was a pathetic bitch, set up to show the narrator what is the wrong kind to date
Kevin (11:33:37 AM): I felt sorry for her
Lex (11:33:38 AM): all she wanted was a normal relationship, and she got a whack job.
Kevin (11:33:45 AM): I KNOW
Kevin (11:33:56 AM): The narrator was a total bad boyfriend
Lex (11:34:04 AM): he didn’t even like her
Kevin (11:34:18 AM): the only thing nice he ever did for his women was give them ride to the airport and pay for dinner
Kevin (11:34:36 AM): why was he such a catch?
Lex (11:34:46 AM): he was NOT a catch
Lex (11:34:49 AM): he was an asshole
Kevin (11:34:53 AM): so what else about Casey, she was a major character
Lex (11:34:59 AM): just really good at hiding it
Kevin (11:35:13 AM): what kind of girl is she? wants marriage, on her terms
Lex (11:35:14 AM): Casey embodied what all men THINK women are like.
Kevin (11:35:34 AM): will fuck? but wants a commitment in the end?
Lex (11:35:48 AM): just after getting married, manipulative, boring, uninteresting.
Kevin (11:35:54 AM): he made her seem pretty dumb
Lex (11:35:57 AM): whiny
Lex (11:36:02 AM): yes, dumb too.
Kevin (11:36:05 AM): shopaholic
Kevin (11:36:12 AM): says "like" all the time
Lex (11:36:23 AM): she was all the things men hate about women, rolled up in one horrible person.
Lex (11:36:32 AM): lol! yes!
Kevin (11:36:34 AM): her parents were not good either. so the 3 of them were stock characters
Lex (11:36:52 AM): made him look better by comparison
Kevin (11:37:00 AM): he was the superstar smart guy, spending time with the midwestern idiots
Lex (11:37:14 AM): did you notice that he never said what his job was?
Lex (11:37:18 AM): how weird was that?
Kevin (11:37:26 AM): i was going to mention that later
Kevin (11:37:40 AM): i really thought of him as a person in Office Space
Kevin (11:37:54 AM): Like he had a job like Ron Livingston
Kevin (11:38:12 AM): or maybe he worked in a job like in Entourage?
Lex (11:38:18 AM): i was picturing him as a customer at a bar! telling me things i don’t wanna hear, but thinking its ok cause i'm a bartender
Kevin (11:38:26 AM): but not as glamorous?
Kevin (11:38:32 AM): LOL, you are right
Kevin (11:38:45 AM): what about his other GF? Alyna?
Kevin (11:38:58 AM): He stalked her
Lex (11:39:10 AM): maybe... i haven’t thought about it before. i bet it was very autobiographical... so the character had a crap writing job. copyediting a women’s magazine or something
Kevin (11:39:24 AM): right
Lex (11:39:50 AM): was she worth it? just cause she liked to fuck a lot?
Kevin (11:40:09 AM): I was rolling my eyes over how he built up Alyna. Not only hot, likes any kind of sex (multiple times) but the kicker was: she was excellent at video games and loved to play with him
Kevin (11:40:29 AM): so here was his fantasy come to life, after he stalked her
Lex (11:40:33 AM): oh yes, and didn’t get jealous.... didn’t want to get married
Lex (11:40:43 AM): she was the anti-Casey
Kevin (11:40:49 AM): he fucks the shit out of her, and then he complains about it!!!
Lex (11:41:02 AM): he complained?
Kevin (11:41:32 AM): the whole end of the book, when he gets into his old habits of whacking off in secret
Lex (11:41:50 AM): oh yes... i was thinking about that but didn’t know if we were talking about the end
Kevin (11:42:10 AM): sorry to anyone who we just gave away the ending to
Kevin (11:42:28 AM): i liked the book, but I am not sure why
Lex (11:42:30 AM): is that some kind of insult to womankind? she turned out to want to get married and stopped the crazy sex... we are all just Casey’s waiting to come out
Kevin (11:42:50 AM): i agree with your assessment.
Kevin (11:43:16 AM): she slowed down the crazy sex after she landed him, and then she wanted a commitment
Kevin (11:43:35 AM): Casey was very good to him for a long time
Lex (11:43:56 AM): the whole book was definitely an insult to all women
Lex (11:44:11 AM): even the one he idolized, turned out to be just like all the others
Kevin (11:44:28 AM): there was no positive or well-defined female character in it
Lex (11:44:38 AM): and he counted the amount of times they had sex, oral, anal... in the next year! talk about obsessed!!!!
Kevin (11:44:48 AM): and how did you like every woman referred to as "bitch"??
Lex (11:45:08 AM): no. maybe his mother was a prostitute, and he is just fucked in the head
Kevin (11:45:15 AM): that is a real scorekeeper, but remember, he plays video games, so this was like another game
Lex (11:45:32 AM): hey-timeout one minute, i have to leave the room
Lex (11:45:33 AM): vrv
Lex (11:45:35 AM): brb
Kevin (11:46:07 AM): it was a fantasy: fuck a hot girl all night, then she plays you video games for 4 hours, then you fuck some more. And this was not enough for him.
Lex (11:49:04 AM): yes! good point. i don’t think he would ever be pleased
Lex (11:49:34 AM): you know what else i thought was interesting? how he kinda gives the readers an insight into the gay mans mind too
Kevin (11:49:36 AM): maybe with twins. he always wanted a 3 way
Kevin (11:49:55 AM): i think he was a homo phobe
Kevin (11:50:14 AM): he had a gay friend just to deflect criticism of being a homophobe
Lex (11:50:22 AM): no i don’t think so, i think he was really interested in his friends sex life cause he is so obsessed with sex
Kevin (11:50:38 AM): and by allowing a gay character to say all those stereotypical things, he gets off easy
Kevin (11:51:02 AM): well... more ways to talk about ass fucking.
Lex (11:51:09 AM): lol!
Lex (11:51:19 AM): gotta sneak it in wherever you can!
Kevin (11:51:25 AM): LOL
Lex (11:51:53 AM): i really liked reading the book, but the more we talk about it, the less i like it!
Kevin (11:51:58 AM): I have to say that I don't know of too many guys who would be like the narrator
Lex (11:52:18 AM): what!!!
Kevin (11:52:26 AM): it was like a guy got caught with his porn, and had to explain it
Lex (11:52:27 AM): i think men would love him!!
Lex (11:52:39 AM): he's like a super hero!
Kevin (11:52:42 AM): i started to hate him
Kevin (11:53:05 AM): come on, he even had a GF who's ass smelled good, and he got sick of that too
Lex (11:53:10 AM): he gets all the girls, curses at the mom... has the wild sex. he seemed like every mans idol
Kevin (11:53:29 AM): I was imagining a different outcome
Lex (11:53:34 AM): yeah what was that about
Lex (11:53:40 AM): idiot!
Kevin (11:53:47 AM): he was obsessive
Lex (11:53:55 AM): did you think he was going to get his heartbroken?
Kevin (11:54:17 AM): I wanted him to get a disease! (just kidding)
Lex (11:54:29 AM): i was hoping he was going to start wanting to marry Alyna and she got scared and bailed
Kevin (11:54:37 AM): one plot point, not to give it away
Kevin (11:54:51 AM): The Groundlings. I told Carmit about this. You know who they are?
Kevin (11:54:58 AM): Improv
Lex (11:55:04 AM): the acting group? no i never heard of them
Lex (11:55:15 AM): she lost the book, btw
Kevin (11:55:19 AM): So Casey is an actor in an improv group
Lex (11:55:39 AM): (but doesn’t seem funny at all)
Kevin (11:55:41 AM): that's how Casey was so good at pulling off that stunt
Kevin (11:56:13 AM): improv is not always about funny, it is about rolling with the punches, no matter how the scene changes
Kevin (11:56:23 AM): she looked at her stunt as an acting challenge
Kevin (11:56:46 AM): She lost that book? Oh brother.
Lex (11:56:48 AM): i think that’s a stretch... but ok
Lex (11:57:13 AM): didn’t you know she was lying the entire time?
Kevin (11:57:27 AM): i think that's why he set that up. I also think he tried the Groundlings class, fucked it up, and then decided to fuck them too
Kevin (11:57:31 AM): no
Kevin (11:57:40 AM): i suspected it
Lex (11:57:49 AM): oh i did. maybe i know how a women’s mind works!!
Kevin (11:58:00 AM): but then when I thought about her as an actress, it made sense
Kevin (11:58:15 AM): he ripped that idea off a lot of others
Kevin (11:58:33 AM): like An Officer and a Gentleman
Lex (11:59:05 AM): what about when he was trying to brake hard in the car!! how messed up. he is a sick sick fuck
Kevin (11:59:38 AM): LOL. that was funny
Kevin (11:59:42 AM): OK, who plays the characters in the movie version? You tell me your cast list, then I'll tell you mine
Lex (11:59:52 AM): hmmm....
Lex (12:00:13 PM): lemme think...
Lex (12:01:42 PM): i can’t think of people that young... but if i could go crazy with age... i would say the isla fisher for Alyna
Kevin (12:01:49 PM): I say Vince Vaughn (narrator), Selma Blair (Casey), Scarlet Johansson (Alyna)
Kevin (12:02:02 PM): maybe VV too old
Kevin (12:02:24 PM): Jason Schwartzmann? But then he's too much like his guy in Shopgirl
Kevin (12:02:47 PM): Casey has to be a real good girl, but a nutter
Lex (12:13:15 PM): my cast opinion: Isla Fisher for Alyna, Rachel Bilson for Casey and Casey Affleck for the narrator. Vince Vaughn is great, but WAYYYY to old.
Kevin (12:13:48 PM): i agree
Kevin (12:14:22 PM): Lets cast this now. But remember, everyone has to get totally naked, and there must be full frontal nudity, both male and female
Lex (12:14:37 PM): of course
Lex (12:14:44 PM): i am sticking with my cast
Kevin (12:14:51 PM): I think this was a pretty good book review
Kevin (12:14:58 PM): better than the Times
Kevin (12:15:11 PM): Whom would you recommend this book to?
Lex (12:15:25 PM): lol! yes absolutely
Lex (12:15:39 PM): anyone with a filthy mind
Lex (12:15:49 PM): any girls looking to sneak a peak in a guy’s head
Lex (12:16:01 PM): any guys that need validation
Kevin (12:16:08 PM): I'd say: lonely girls, inmates, perverts, Larry Flynt, Maxim magazine subscribers, high school boys, UCLA alumni
Lex (12:16:33 PM): where do you and i fit in those categories?
Kevin (12:16:33 PM): thank you for recommending this book!
Kevin (12:16:59 PM): i used to read Maxim, I was a teenager
Lex (12:17:29 PM): i have another book for you. the main character sometimes reminded me of an older version of the "the average American male"
Lex (12:17:37 PM): maybe we can talk about it next week
Lex (12:17:57 PM): come by time out tomorrow, i will bring it for u
Kevin (12:18:00 PM): ok
Kevin (12:18:10 PM): Is it Jane Austen?
Lex (12:18:21 PM): lol nooooooooo
Kevin (12:18:27 PM): What if Jane Austen had anal sex scenes? Hot.
Lex (12:18:50 PM): that’s just wrong
Lex (12:19:04 PM): i always thought Romeo and Juliet were missing a filthy sex scene
Lex (12:19:18 PM): talk about a story than needed a little anal action.

Labels:

AddThis Social Bookmark Button

Wednesday, December 26, 2007 

Bartender News Roundup


Let's have some bartender news from all over the map today...

ILLINOIS: A former bartender from Ireland, Kevin McTernan, started a cab service in suburban Chicago to get drunks and their cars home from bars. He started his service, Paddy Wagons, after he quit drinking and started a family. "I've seen a lot of people stumble out of the bar with intentions to drive," he said. "People driving drunk does not appeal to me." Now he passes out cards in bars to get people to reserve his service.

IOWA: So a guys walks into a bar and orders a drink a bartender does not know how to make. Do you know the ingredients to a Pissed Off Japanese Minnow Farmer? Well the bartender said he'd make it if someone gave him the recipe. Lucky for the customer, he whipped out his iPhone (a novelty in Iowa City?) and pulled up the recipe for the bartender.

UPSTATE NEW YORK -- A bar owner accused of letting an off-duty bartender drink too much before she caused a fatal car wreck on Super Bowl Sunday says he never saw her drink alcohol that day. This happened in Patterson, north of Danbury on the state line.

MANHATTAN -- How do you avoid champagne fatigue? The New York Sun asked a veteran bartender Jonathan Pogash to show off some cocktails made with champagne. Pogash worked at one of my favorite bars, the Campbell Apartment.

PARIS --- A Francis Bacon painting sold for 13.7 million euros ($20.2 million) at a Paris auction. Bacon's ``Seated Woman,'' a 1961 portrait of London bartender Muriel Belcher, went to an unnamed bidder in the auction room, a Sotheby's spokeswoman said. Seated Woman portrays an isolated woman on a seemingly dismantled couch. It shows her seated practically hunched over, and almost suspended between two swathes of lilac and bottle green. Muriel Belcher was a bartender at the Colony Room, Bacon’s favorite drinking hole in London.

NEW JERSEY -- Restaurant people are tops -- and doctors lead the terrible tippers list, as compiled by Bartender Magazine. The Best and Worst Tippers List is based on over 3,000 telephone and web site responses conducted by Bartender Magazine.

The Tippers Lists:

MAGNIFICENT SERVICE
Restaurant People
Regular Customers
Small Business Owners
Hairdressers
Liquor Salesmen
Limo Drivers
Salesmen

TERRIBLE TIPPERS
Doctors
Lawyers
Bankers
21-25 Year Olds
Teachers
Computer Nerds
Pipe Smokers

Labels:

AddThis Social Bookmark Button

Sunday, December 23, 2007 

An Oldie... But A Goodie!

Bar Rules!

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is not really cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I'm going to get drunk. I hate shots. It's coming back up.

12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.

13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.

14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.(...which means: STOP TRYING)

15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.

16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.

19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.

20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.

21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.

22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.

23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.

24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.

25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.

26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.

27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.

28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store. (e.g. $1 is not a sufficient tip on a $20 bar tab. and don't kid yourself into thinking that no one but the bartender will know either. It's not like they're bound by some code of tip anonymity.....hehe)

29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.

30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.

32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.

33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.

35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.

36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender's guide and browse through all the drinks you've never tried.

37. Try one new drink each week.

38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.

39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.

40. If you have ever told a bartender, "Hey, it all spends the same," then you are a cheap ass.

41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.

42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.

43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.

44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.

45. It's okay to drink alone.
46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her "baby" or "darling".

47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.

48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.

49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.

50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.

51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.

52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.

53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.

54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.

55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

56. Screaming, "Someone buy me a drink!" has never worked. (ha! says you)

57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.

58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.

59. If you are broke and a friend is "sporting you", you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.

60. If you are broke and a friend is "making sport of you", you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.

61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.

62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.

63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her OR HIS response.(I had to edit this as it was a bit sexist. Guys are not the only ones to hit on bartenders)

64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.

65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.

66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, "I'm an idiot."

67. Never ask a bartender "what's good tonight?" They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.

69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.

71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.

72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they're sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.

73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.

74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.

75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.

76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.

77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with "I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . ."

78. When you're in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he's buying.

79. If you are 86'd, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.

80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.

81. If you're going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It's the no-tell liquor.

82. There's nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you're supposed to be at work.

83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there's something in it.

85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.

86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.

AddThis Social Bookmark Button

 


AddThis Social Bookmark Button

Thursday, December 20, 2007 

Owner Fights Smoking Ban With Bribe Attempt

Did you hear about this in the news early this week, about the Hill Tap Tavern in Elmhurst, Queens? It seems the owner didn't give too much thought to the city smoking ban. When an inspector came in to cite the guy at the bar, which sounds like an old man bar and is located at 83-03 Grand Avenue, Brendan J. McCartan (maybe an Irish guy? you think?) decided to go Old School with the inspector. The report, according to The Times, says:
According to the criminal complaint, the D.O.I. undercover investigator detected an odor of cigarette smoke and observed one of the patrons smoking at the Hill Tap Tavern. The undercover investigator told the owner of the establishment, who was later identified as MCCARTAN, that there were problems with smoking in the bar. MCCARTAN asked the investigator to give him a break and said that he would give the undercover investigator “one.” The undercover investigator stated, “$100,” and MCCARTAN said, “Yes,” and that he did not want any violations. MCCARTAN told the investigator he would put something for the investigator in the bathroom. The undercover investigator went into the men’s room after he saw MCCARTAN enter and he found five $20 bills placed on the sink. The undercover investigator thanked MCCARTAN who responded, “It is Christmas.”

Wow. That guy is staring at 7 years in the slammer.

Labels: ,

AddThis Social Bookmark Button

Tuesday, December 18, 2007 

Total Jackass Smashes Time Out Window



A jackass that was asked to leave Time Out at closing time smashed the window out with a chair early on Sunday morning. The manager and some customers chased the guy, to no avail. As of Monday, it was still boarded up. People that were there said it sounded like bomb went off when the chair came into the bar, from the sidewalk.



About the only good thing on Monday was seeing Alexis and Carmit together. Lex works 4-8 and then Carmit comes in. That 4-8 happy hour is pretty sweet: everything is half off. Lex is building up that Monday happy hour. It was cool to see her (the new NYCBP managing editor) and then stick around for Carmit's shift.

Hope they catch that guy, and fix the window.

Labels: ,

AddThis Social Bookmark Button

 

Another Coyote Ugly Closes: No. 6

I just learned Coyote Ugly Miami closed. It did not last even 12 months. That makes six of the chain that have closed since 2003: Atlanta, Boston, Dallas, DC, Philly, and now the one in Coconut Grove. WTF? I thought the CMT show was a hit? How come the bars are closing in these major cities? It does not make sense. What do you think?

Labels: ,

AddThis Social Bookmark Button

 

Brooklyn's Loss is LA's Gain


My pal Brian is moving from Brooklyn to LA this week. He already started a blog about it, and will be filling in the news of how it goes for him and his GF, Jessica, on the West Coast. The deal is, she is really from LA. He is the "fake" Angeleno, which is a great idea for a blog. Brian was a big fan of dive bars, and drinking in general, so expect to read good reports from West Hollywood shit hole bars.

Yesterday he reminded me of my favorite New York movie, Manhattan. The best part of Woody Allen's classic is the famous opening montage, set to George Gershwin's Rhapsody in Blue. If you want to see what New York looked like in the late 1970s, check out this clip. Better yet, buy the movie. When I got my first DVD player, the first DVD I bought was Manhattan.

New York will really miss Brian and Jessica. I'm super bummed they are leaving the city.

Labels:

AddThis Social Bookmark Button

Monday, December 17, 2007 

Does the man make the bar or the bar make the man?





So the other night, I went out with some friends of mine. They were from out of town and wanted a drinking tour of Manhattan's diverse nightlife. I decided to start off at this very swanky, high brow lounge to show how "Sex And The City" my life was. So we got all dressed up, paid for the $15 nasty-candy colorful cocktail from their insane martini list. We sat very straight, watched people (judged people), we chatted about the upcoming presidential election. We laughed extra loud at our own political commentary. As for meeting people, that was out of the question. This is the type of place to see and be seen, yet not spoken too. You never move outside of your group.

Next we went to a place that was a little more laid back. Still beautiful with beautiful people, but the air didn't have quite so much.... starch. We ordered Grey Goose and soda and sipped them while admiring the art work on the walls. We talked about the weather and vacations and place we've traveled.

As the night progressed, the bars progressed, we progressed. Our change in behavior was apparent. By the time we got to the down and dirty dive that I love, our backs were not straight, our heals were in our purses and the conversation (which included random regulars) rarely strayed from sex, drugs and rock & roll. Needless to say, I felt more at home while having way more fun. If that's who we are and how we are comfortable... what was up with us before? Were we being phonies? Why were we acting like every pretentious d-bag we hate? Just 'cause we put on some nice clothes?

As I mentioned my opinion to my friends, they disagreed. Their opinion was the “when in Rome” attitude. In other words, we planned to go out to different bars with different people dressed up in different clothes and some behavior is more appropriate in certain settings than in others. So.....

What is the difference between being fake and being appropriate?

AddThis Social Bookmark Button

 

National Whiskey Crisis Strikes

Wow, believe it or not, there may be a crisis in the whiskey business. They are actually running short at one distillery in Tennessee. Thank God it isn't Jack Daniels. According to the Associated Press, the dilemma is going down at George Dickel, makers of the brand George Dickel Whisky No. 8. The report says:

It's scarce because the Dickel distillery shut down production from 1999 to 2003, trying to reduce inventory of the Tennessee sippin' whiskey. It worked. And since whiskey must age, it's too early for a new batch.


One thing I don't get is the spelling. Dickel likes to be more like Scotch whiskies, so the company drops the "e" and sells "whisky" and not "whiskey" brands. Apparently the brand is national, and is big in the Southeast and Midwest.

Anyone a fan of Dickel Whisky No. 8? Are there any songs about it?

Labels:

AddThis Social Bookmark Button

Tuesday, December 11, 2007 

Glad to be here!

I would first off like to say thanks to everyone who welcomed me, and thanks to Kevin for inviting me! I am glad to be here.

As Kevin said; I have been bartending in NYC for about 8 years. I've worked in all types of joints, from the strip club ($$) to the trendy lounge (yawn) to the dive bar(yeehaw!) I can't say I have a favorite place, but my favorite thing about bartending is absolutely the people I meet and the conversations I have.

A particular conversation that will forever stick out in my mind happened about a year ago. A man sat down at bar and ordered a beer. He was an average man. Average height, average looks, average clothes.

When he was done with his beer, he ordered another, then another, then a shot then another one of those. Now this wouldn't be interesting at all except, he didn't look or act the slightest bit drunk! I was beginning to feel a bit challenged! Can I not give an average man a buzz? The whole purpose of my job is to get men drunk! Am I failing? Do I need to find another profession? Why can't I do it?? In under an hour and after 6 beers and 10 shots, I would have easily trusted this man to deliver my baby.

So, I asked! "Are you a superhero? Why do you seem so sober after so much to drink?!"

Then he dropped the bomb. He is immune. Holy shit! Evil of all evils! I was shocked. He cannot process the alcohol correctly, and not only does he not feel the effects at all, it makes him completely sick. The last time he had just ONE drink, his hangover was so bad he was hospitalized for dehydration. This binge could kill him. He decided it was worth it.

As I was contemplating 'roofing' him, on the hopes he might get a buzz, I was thinking about it. To never drink without fear of sickness or death? Could you give it up? Would you die for a fun night in a bar? Of course not.... Right?

To never drink! No stomach churning regret of the drunken hookup! No loosing your wallet/cell/money! No going to work late and hungover! No trying to figure out how you will get home. I tried desperately to explain all the cons and ramifications of being wasted. It's really not worth it. He didn't care.

He will never enjoy the combination of beer+wings+football. He will never understand what a glass of Cabernet does to a plate of linguine. Sangria on a hot day. The fun of that drunken hookup.

When he told me the next drink might kill him, I obviously stopped serving him. I actually tried funneling Gatorade down his throat, but he just left. I'm sure he went to another bar. The poor guy was a man on a mission.

I hope that man is still out there somewhere. Alive, and hopefully... completely fucking trashed.

Cheers.

AddThis Social Bookmark Button

 

The Thousand Dollar Shot of Scotch

You like Scotch? Did you hear about the auction that sold a rare bottle of 1926 Scotch whiskey for $54,000? It was a rare auction of booze, and not held in New York since Prohibition ended in 1933.

An anonymous collector dished out $54,000 for a bottle of whisky distilled at Macallan in Scotland in 1926, bottled in 1986 and rebottled in 2002. The Scotch had been expected to sell for between $20,000 and $30,000.


At those prices, you could almost put a down payment on a part-ownership of a bar, right?

Labels:

AddThis Social Bookmark Button

Saturday, December 08, 2007 

Meet the New Managing Editor of NYCBP



The web site is back from the dead. You can thank one person for this: Alexis, the new managing editor. If she did not say that she would take things over here, I would not have brought the site back. So now you will start seeing her posting here on the blog and message boards. She is a terrific bartender who will bring a new perspective to the site. I've known her for a long time, and Alexis has worked all over town. Her first job was tending bar at a strip joint in Queens. She has worked at clubs, saloons, dive bars, and plenty of others.

Another cool thing is that her side business is selling sexy bartender clothes to her fellow drink-slingers. Check it out, if you are a bartender, she has great stuff at good prices. Alexis is a good businesswoman, which will also be good for the site.

I was really angry at the time I took the site down in November. As many longtime site visitors know, there was almost zero user participation in the site. Perhaps, with Alexis in charge, you bastards will wake up and take part in the community.

Please welcome Alexis as she takes over the site.

Labels:

AddThis Social Bookmark Button

Friday, December 07, 2007 

Out of Town Bartender Roundup



I love reading about bartender news. The thing about bartending and bars, there is always a news story, someplace. People love to read about drinking, and reporters love a good booze story. Such as...

Browns Mills, New Jersey:
A beloved bartender died from complications of cirrhosis of the liver, and his regulars had some send-off for him. Francis J. Sinn was 62 and described in the Courier Post as a "grumpy old man" and a "charmer" by his former customers. So when he died, his ashes were tied to a balloon and sprinkled over town. I am not making this up.

Baltimore: A guy walks into a bar, drinks all night, is handed his tab, and according to the Baltimore Sun, "So this customer scratched out the prices he'd been charged on the check and wrote in what he felt he should pay." What happens next?

India: Guess what happened today? The supreme court in India ruled that women can tend bar. Welcome to the 21st Century. One story says,

"Young men and women know what would be the best offer for them in the service sector. In the age of (the) Internet, they would know all the pros and cons of a profession. It is their life… a citizen of India should be allowed to live life on her own terms," it said.


Antigua -- You know a lot of drinking happens on this island. I found this column in the Antigua Sun about a new book, the Cool Caribbean Cocktail Book.

Labels:

AddThis Social Bookmark Button

Tuesday, December 04, 2007 

Bartender Pay Scales

This is a very good interview with a bartender. He does not work in New York or hang out in our bars in the city, but he does have very good things to say about the business. It also lists how much you can expect to make by working behind a bar. What I also like is that he says it is a career choice that will almost never go away:

I don't think America is going to quit drinking anytime soon, and the Volstead Act obviously didn't take, so I can say with a significant degree of assurance that a bartender will always be able to find work. It might not be your ideal gig at first, but I don't know many people who start out on the top rung of the ladder in any venture.


So listen to what Craig Hysell has to say about bartending; a good read for both customer and bartenders alike

Labels:

AddThis Social Bookmark Button